Fitness Profile: Me

October 14, 2011

PhotobucketWell, I haven’t really gone into a personal progress update in awhile and yesterday I just hit a pretty big milestone, so this week I am going to fitness profile myself.

I have been “plus-sized” since I can remember. Before I hit puberty I was wearing JC Penney’s plus-size girls clothes, which were politely numbered in half sizes for discretion. A large, tall girl might wear an 18, but a plus-sized one, me, wore an 18.5. At 10, I jumped up to juniors sizes and already wore a 13 (Plus starts at 12). I only had one summer were a 13 fit, and by high school I was a size 20. When I started this blog I wore a size 24, and they were getting too tight.

Since I can remember, shopping for clothing has been a battle and until they put a Torrid in my town, finding pants big enough to fit my body was only possible online. My body is very “feminine” in that my waist tends to be about 10-12 inches smaller than my hips. My thighs, butt and hips are large, they always will be, no matter how thin I get. I loved shopping at Torrid because no matter how frustrated I got with pants not fitting right, or going up a size, the girls there understood my plight–I never felt judged or treated poorly based on how I looked. Instead, I always found a group of understanding women readily offering their support and genuinely knowing what it was like to literally not be able to fit into clothing (something thin people NEVER have to think about). I mean, yeah, clothes may not fit “correctly” on everyone, but thin people can find things that will fit around their bodies and cover them up.

Yesterday this world changed for me.

Yesterday I went to Torrid with a plan to buy some jeans for motivation, as I posted about earlier this month. I wanted to buy a 12 and 10, and use them as the carrot dangling on the end of my stick to motivate myself to work harder. Only two things happened that got in the way: one, 12 is the smallest size they have. No issues right? I’ll just buy one pair and once they fit I’ll find a new place to buy pants and get a 10 for motivation. BUT, then I went to the dressing room and tried them on. THEY FUCKING FIT.

I should be stoked, I should be overjoyed. I’m sitting here writing this post in a size 12. The smallest pants I have ever worn. Since the 5th grade EVER.

Instead I feel scared.

I realized that I will no longer have the safety net of my plus-sized brethren to help me through dressing room panic attacks. I will no longer need a special store to buy pants because I will be able to buy them anywhere. And I will no longer be plus-sized.

In a way I feel like I am leaving a big part of my identity behind in these pants. When they no longer fit I won’t really be the fat girl I’ve always been. Sure, being overweight has been bad for my health, rough for dating, difficult in making friends, but in a big big way it has made me who I am. I would not be so confident in the person I am inside if it wasn’t for these extra pounds holding me back. I wouldn’t have fought so hard to get through college and to prove to my peers that I am intelligent, interesting and beautiful inside. Without being plus-sized I don’t think I would be me.

I realize that this is just a new chapter in my life and I still have a lot of work to go, but it’s almost bittersweet. I hope I never forget what it feels like to be treated differently because I had to buy fat girl pants at a special store.


3 Responses to “Fitness Profile: Me”

  1. Claire Says:

    Congrats! You’re progress has been amazing! It’s encouraging and also gives me motivation too! If you ever need a word of encouragement let me know, I know what its like to be frustrated in the regular section, pouting at the 10 because you gotta buy them instead of the 8. Your new ‘carrot’ will be single digits!

  2. […] yesterday I felt the need to revisit the subject. As you’ve probably read, I can’t really buy pants well because of my body type (pear shaped) and proportions. Some things fit great right off the rack […]

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