It’s My Party; I’ll Cry if I Want To

May 2, 2012

PhotobucketYesterday was my first emotional day in the gym, and I figure the whole point of this blog is to share everything I experience throughout this journey: both the good and the bad. So, here’s some of the bad. I had an update yesterday with Lyndsi–these happen bi-monthly and involve weight, inch measurements and caliper pinches as a way to measure progress over time.

When I started with Lyndsi I weighed in at 206lbs. Yesterday I weighed in at 197lbs. This is only 9lbs less and I have been working my ass off, so naturally I felt frustrated and upset. After the rest of the measurements she calculated that I am now at 32% body fat (down from 36.5%) and now in the healthy range for women my age. This is awesome news and means so far I’ve lost 12lbs of pure fat, and also retained AND added muscle mass. This wasn’t a bad update overall, but it made me realize something: If I’m at 32% bodyfat right now, it means my lean mass is 134lbs. If I have literally 0% bodyfat I would weight 134lbs.

I’m 5’2 and according to the BMI I am obese at 197lbs. In fact, anything over 136lbs for my height is overweight. If I get down to my goal of 18% bodyfat and retain the lean body mass I have right now, I would weight 163lbs–and this would put me at the very tippy-top range of “overweight” for my height. Now, I don’t give the BMI much clout because it’s not actually measuring how much fat I have on my body, or in any form how healthy I am–but all of this calculation made me realize something different: I will never be a slender person.

There’s nothing wrong with being a thicker person. I could ramble on and on about society, media, clothing sizes, but I won’t. I already know that I’m attractive and beautiful both inside and out. I just need to change the way I think about what is healthy for me. I may only get down to a size 6 or 8. I may never weigh under 160lbs, and I may never look like someone who would be described as thin, and I may never be less than overweight on that damn BMI calculator. But, if I can run races, lift heavy things, participate in virtually any activity my heart desires and live a long life–shouldn’t that be enough?

Tears were shed for the first time in the gym last night, and I highly doubt they’ll be the last. Because I think it’s important to reflect upon things like body image and through the process establish something that is healthy for you as an individual–plus I probably lost a little water weight from the crying, right?

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5 Responses to “It’s My Party; I’ll Cry if I Want To”

  1. Alma Says:

    I can’t tell you not to cry because I know how you feel but I want you to know that you’re my inspiration. I admire you for putting yourself out there and sharing with the world and for loving who you are no matter what.

    I am thinking of following your plan to unearth my figure, too. If I can will myself to have as much courage as you do, perhaps I will find strength to blog or share my experiences…but I may just share in your comment section for now. 🙂

    I almost had a break down moment this morning. I’ve been trying to work out regularly and be good for the last four weeks but I don’t think I’m pushing myself hard enough because I’ve gained 4 pounds.

    But I’m not going to give up. Thanks to your blog.

    • figurefinder Says:

      It’s very possible you’ve added muscle. Also, 5lbs up or down depending on water weight and other things is something that can vary within a day. I’m glad you’re not giving up and if you ever want to talk/plan goals together I’m always interested!

      • Alma Says:

        Thank you! I think it would be cool to get together sometime to chat about goals.

  2. Sierra N-G Says:

    I had my first emotional break through a few weeks ago. My work outs are intense so when I had to do burpees and jumping jacks and push ups… my mind started racing and all of a sudden i was slowing down and yelled “come on fatty!” and i just started crying right there. in my house, on the floor, curled up in a ball & crying. all of a sudden i was 10 years old and thinking how did i get here? i grew up with girls calling me names and making fun of me because of my size and i didn’t realize that i still had unresolved issues with that. ever since then i’ve swore to never call myself any name and just remember to keep going and work out for ME and not for anyone else.

    I love your posts, michelle! you’re great. keep it up! 🙂 you look awesome! ❤


  3. […] Two weeks ago I posted about my last update with Lyndsi in which I cried like a baby because I realized my body won’t ever fit the standards I had envisioned when I originally started this whole process. Since updates happen bi-monthly, I was due for another yesterday and again was met with mixed results–at least I didn’t cry this time. […]


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